Sunday, 27 May 2012

Love & Peace & added value

Love and peace – you can’t have both. Money can’t buy you love and marriage doesn’t buy you peace.
If you want peace and calm in your life, it’s best to stay single or invest your time and energy with another like minded soul…..who enjoys solitude and smelling the roses.

Marriage is a relationship training ground. It’s an assault course where your vulnerabilities are exposed, your faith tested and your ego put through its paces to see if its healthy or sick. No one should embark upon this if they think otherwise. It’s not about hearts, flowers and choosing a honeymoon destination.

Marriage and relationships are a mix of the crazy and sensible. 
These scenarios are enacted as soon as the starry-eyed couple set up home. 

“But I want duck egg  blue quilts to match the curtains”, the young wife wails to her husband whose eyes are riveted to thebaseball. 
“And I want quiet to watch the game,” retorts the young husband. 
Look, listen, learn - that's love
“I want to go for a romantic walk in the moonlight,” explains the young wife. “And I want a cold beer,” snaps the husband. 

This is just the start of the downhill slide. Once the children come along there’s more conflict.
“Annie just hit Tim over the head; I’m putting her in time-out,” says the mother decisively.
 “But she’s just a baby herself and she didn’t mean any harm,” Dad says, his eyes now fixed on the computer screen. 
Dad goes up to Annie and puts her on his lap and they play a computer game together.

The teen years become even more challenging. “Why did you stay out so late?” Mum asks teen son angrily. 
“Aw, he’s just doing what comes naturally; I was just the same at his age,” replies Dad.

Once they hit the twentieth wedding anniversary. 
“Hey, I just heard that Mary and Tom down the road are divorcing.” 
Mum pauses from chopping the vegetables 
“But Tom’s so helpful; always trimming the hedges, mowing the lawn, taking the trash out, looking after the kids when Mary goes for spa weekends, cooking dinner when she works late. God, I thought they were so happy,” she sighs.

Dad sits down on the couch, thinking. I never do half as much as Tom and they’re quitting on their marriage. He watches his wife tossing the vegetables into the pan and checking the oven to see that the roast isn’t burnt.  He then sees her folding the laundry neatly ready for ironing. He notices her writing on the calendar his dental appt. God, I gotta do more around the house. I don’t want us to end up like Tom and Mary.

This is progressive thinking and most men – and women- don’t seem to have grasped it. A friend or neighbour’s divorce can be just the tonic if your relationship is in the doldrums. The divorce of a friend or family member can add value to your marriage. It forces you to take stock. It wakes you up from your marital slumber when you thought you’d always wake up and find him/her next to you. This is when you stop taking it for granted. You’ve gotta get motivated and save your marriage.

Walk or don't walk?
Wise guys wisen up and get pro-active. They start paying attention to their partners. Making dinner, buying flowers, doing the dishes or a foot rub are the ways to solidify a marriage that’s close to dissolution.

Some marriages cannot be saved. Some people in difficult partnerships have to become teachers of relationship building. Divorcees are such teachers. You can learn a lot from their mistakes so heed their advice well.

One is not lonely, that's peace
Divorce, like marriage, is a pathway to wisdom. You either choose to spend your life with a partner or as a soloist. Both have advantages and disadvantages. Both lead to enlightenment. One is not superior to the other, though the world may tell you different.

A divorce in the family or amongst your circle of friends can make you more committed towards enhancing your own relationship. If you want to try out for marriage then choose love, not peace. You may eventually find that it’s peace - not love - that ultimately adds value to your life. It’s your life so choose well.



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