Thursday, 16 December 2010


Looking to recruit:
Egotistic, small minded and always willing to get involved (in someone else’s affairs). Rigid and sanctimonious with lashings of multi-tasking abilities. We work on the ethos that the less you focus on any task, do it piecemeal and not paying too much attention the more you achieve. Team working is a fallacy (if the government can’t do it then why should we?). Be confrontational and difficult and you will progress.  The key element of this job is to be so rude and obtrusive that anyone would be too afraid to put anything in your in-tray. Never trust anyone – if an employee phones in sick we assume they are lying and the employee must phone their line manager on a daily basis.
 This is a company that doesn’t believe in sickness since you have to be sick to work here in the first place! If you’d like six months off to travel the world then you’re in the right place but if you’d like 6 months off to care for a disabled relative you’ve got no chance. If you are employed in a critical area of the company we will give you the option of flexible working (especially if you’ve nearly paid off your mortgage) but if you are not then we expect you to fill your time with designated work or anything you please. If you are a key member of our staff we encourage you to have interruptions – you may need to speak on your mobile, read text messages or even go off for a fag. Company policy allows for these as well as announcing to your colleagues (several times a day) how busy you are. It is also important to share with stressed colleagues that you can do their job in half the time it takes them.
Anyone with a superiority complex will fit right in. You are superior to your line manager. They know nothing about your job anyway . In our organisation you are an autonomous cog. You do what we want and you can do what you like.
Your’re hired!

Meticulous and conscientious in meeting deadlines. Ability to be pleasant under pressure. Kind and compassionate to others less fortunate.  Will arrive early and stay late during busy times. Creative thinker who displays initiative and is able to work independently. Individuals with flair and vision who can help the company save money. Inspirational leader.
Your’re fired!


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