Manpanzee

The age of synthetic biology is dawning and new life forms are being grown in petri dishes and test tubes by men in white coats.  These life forms will dominate our world and our grandchildren will go to schools with a phenomena known as “Manpanzee.”

These creatures are not completely new as they are still inhabiting the earth but they are prone to malfunction and self-destruction.  Darwin may have been correct in his theory that our ancestors were swinging from tree tops. The DNA must be reworked if we are to avoid a full scale catastrophe for animal and humankind. 

Below, you’ll find a list of their special characteristics:

The manpanzee is half man; half chimp. He’s a hairy life-form that struts around like a peacock, which is a feathered animal.
He grunts, groans and gripes and most of his speech is unintelligible except  to other manpanzees.

His feeding habits are simple: fried panzee meat and balls. He eats, shoots and leaves.



Monkee madness

The manpanzee experiences periods of lethargy when he’ll sit on the sofa, leg cocked, to watch sports. He enjoys shouting – at the television,  the cat,  his mate and  panzee cubs.

When it comes to exercise the most toned of his muscles are his lungs, that he uses to shout profanities and pollute his spirit. His fists,clench and unclench ready to strike out. This is one tough manpanzee who likes to show his strength especially to those weaker than himself - like ants and cockroaches.

Manpanzee believes that he’s in control of someone or something – Mrs Panzee and the weather. If he can’t control his mate his eyes will bulge and his mouth foam. When you find him muttering under his breath, it’s usually about one or the other.

Manpanzee likes a place for everything and everything in its place; Mrs Panzee’s is in the kitchen!

Manpanzee and friends

Manpanzee is a sensitive animal and when he’s driving he likes to be in command. He’d like to choose how many cars use the road so that they don’t slow him down.

If you fall out of favour with this animal you’ll find yourself being stalked and threatened. A quiet trip to the supermarket will turn into a game of subterfuge as he hides and waits for you to exit so that he can throw cheap insults around. He’ll sing to you in a screechy voice or stand at your gate, like a lovelorn Romeo.
He doesn’t know when to give up.

Manpanzee doesn't have a heart or conscience; he’s an unusual life form that has no truck with kindness and compassion.
He'll stab you in the back as well as the front! 

Manpanzee does not have a job other than to be an overseer of the slave plantation – making sure his womanpanzee brings in the bread and butter. He gives a variety of lectures to his family on animal husbandry – how to feed and care for the manpanzee in their life.



VIP - Very Imp Panzee

Manpanzee is meticulous about his treehouse; he never throws anything away and anything broken can be fixed with sellotape , even cracked window panes and leaks in the bathroom.



Manpanzee never spends his own money (since he’ll claim not to have any) but he never fails to spend yours. He’s adept at hoarding and hiding so check the floorboards and under the mattress.

Manpanzee is only close to his mother since he came through her birth canal. That’s why he enjoys sniffing around other females' birth canal areas.

When I grow up I want to be a manpanzee

Manpanzee is an apple-shaped mammal but his ego is ten feet tall. Everything he says is right and everything you do is wrong.

Manpanzee believes his sexual prowess to be far superior to others of his species. When his mate leaves him for another creature of a more developed species he’s can’t figure it out.

Manpanzee is very religious. He worships at the temple of the Noble and Great Panzee. Great Panzee doesn’t give a fig for his followers but he enjoys seeing them bowing before him and making offerings that he can recycle.

Manpanzee uses his mobile phone as a weapon. Prank calling and checking up on the location of his mate and cubs are his favourite pastimes.

Political animals

Manpanzee has a smile so terrifying you’ll pray that he never bares his teeth at you. It’s is way of showing pleasure but you can be sure that pain is never far away.

Manpanzee is only truly happy when Mrs Panzee is not. He loves getting up her nose.

Manpanzee’s mind is empty and when he shakes his head you can hear the only two brain cells rattling around.

The world according to Panzee

Approach this animal with caution.

 If you have first hand experience of caring for or sharing your life with a manpanzee then send me your observations. I'll add them to my case studies and publish them in my  thesis.