Thursday, 28 February 2013

Wlecome to my world aka Pity Party extravaganza!


Maybe I’ve stepped on a few too many ants, swatted flies and drawn blood from pesky mosquitoes but life seems to bring me to an old, dirt road. If M Scott Peck believed the spiritual life is the road less travelled then I ought to get a satellite naviagator for my life - the road well travelled and in need of new tarmac!
I was raised in the home and school of Hard Knocks……it’s not a lie but could be considered an exaggeration. I guess you might say that everyone comes up the hard way…in some way…and adversity has propelled them to fame and success. That’s true and there are many examples of paupers who’ve turned themselves into princes but what about the ones who don’t……the ones who find solace in alcohol, drugs, food, too many possessions, abusive relationships and other forms of self harm.
We’re all damaged; some more or less than others. Grief dogs our footsteps wherever we may roam on this planet. We’re grieving for our lost souls that we gave away too easily or allowed others to trample over.
Well worn path
There’s a hole in my heart; it’s so big that nothing stays for very long in it. Love comes but it rarely stays so I have to get used to my emotional terrain being a barren wasteland. Toxins have been dumped in my mind as fear seeped through my mental rececces; fear foisted on to me by my caregivers.
Confidence and courage deserted me at the most important times in my life; like when choosing a partner, home, job, investments etc. My ego has been knocked sideways, forwards and backwards and though battered, it’s still standing – don’t ask me how!!?
The gratitude attitude comes easily to me even when you throw me a few peanuts! I count my blessings, no matter how tiny they are and some days they’re invisible.
Fulfilling my destiny? Not a chance as my emotional fragility causes me to wallow….in the flotsam and jetsam….of my daily doings. Destiny is survival and here I am….so destiny is being discharged.

Living on purpose? That’s a tough one ‘cos I try but many things conspire to distract me from my purpose. Don’t complain and don’t explain is the motto I’m forced to live by. I only share my gripes and groans with the chosen few – me, myself and I.
Depressed? Not me…..I smile and soldier through my pains. I’m a pleasant companion to have on the pot-holed road well travelled as I know when to zip it. Occasionally, I let rip when frustration overwhelms but dark looks, idle threats, not to mention, kindness and compassion keep vitriol at bay.
I’m the good person….that bad things are attracted to. Perhaps it’s to stop “bad” from happening to other people!?? Is it karma…..if so….what the hell have I been doing in past lives?? Or is it that I am the light and darkness seems me as a challenge to overcome?
Questions are good; questioning is healthy. Problem solving I’ve done a lot of and though there is a solution to every problem….it often eludes me.
I’m pitiful and imperfect. God forbid the thought I might be otherwise. My ego’s been reined in and penned up.  I’m ordinary and all too human. I need to forgive myself and others on my path and keep moving.
There’s always a load to carry on the road well travelled and the party don't stop!






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