Wednesday, 28 December 2011

The way to a man's heart attack is through his satellite dish

Who knew that when man first landed on the moon it would come to this? The reality of one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind is right on our streets when we look at the large spherical objects that has attached itself to the roofs of our homes.

I refer of course to the humble satellite dish that is multiplying and beaming into our homes  a vast array of sports and entertainment channels from all over the world. The satellite dish is like a cosmic kaleidoscope of visual media and there’s something for everyone. Satellite TV has whetted our appetites for more and more.

Couch surfing or channel hopping is now a bona fide activity. Being finger happy with the remote may develop into a competitive sport. Large, plasma screens have us transfixed and satellite viewing could turn into the next religion, such is its following. Devotees of the satellite are mostly male. Pictures of their favourite teams winning or losing, tales of woe (aka world news) from every corner and laugh out loud comedies all add to their joie de vivre. Life’s one big goggle box thanks to this dish.

For maximum enjoyment you need a comfortable sofa, a range of alcoholic beverages and a woman who’s a little soft in the head and great at DIY. While you’re watching your favourite program she’s been doing the laundry, cleaning the house, washing the car, buying the groceries, taking the kids to football, unblocking the drain AND she’s even managed to fit in a sumptuous breakfast, lunch and dinner.

It’s true the man on your sofa will not notice you unless he gets fed and he mostly notices when you’re not there to do it. During his long sojourns in satellite world he’ll be fixated. Eyes will rarely leave the screen and if his team is losing he’ll be foaming at the mouth with a heap of profanities to boot.  He’ll knock back the lagers shouting at the referee whilst the little woman and kids look on in sympathy.

It’s a sight to behold and no female need feel intimidated by it. In fact, she should congratulate herself on her superior position of being in the real world and coping admirably. The fact of the matter is that a woman (and children) need attention. 
If the man on your sofa has neglected skills then you need to devise a way of making him sit up. A
Aggressive displays of displeasure are undignified. You’ll have to get his attention the old-fashioned way.

Turn yourself into a dish
Cook up a storm. All those delicious smells wafting through to the lounge, man-on-the-sofa won’t be able to resist. Naturally he’ll want to partake of your delicious offerings  in front of the one eyed monster Turn on your best domestic goddess charm, put yourself on the menu and make his mouth water. He’ll be utterly smitten with your ample portions and things to tickle his fancy. Don’t scrimp on the healthy stuff but he needs coaxing into a healthful and active lifestyle. The man-on-the-sofa has a fragile ego and you’ll have to make him believe that it was his idea in the first place.

The way to his heart is filled with hardened arteries due to the inactivity caused by sofa surfing. You’ll either need to remove the satellite or the sofa. You may lose a little of his love but he’s gotta love his heart more. The blocks in his heart have to be cleared so leave the dishes in the sink and disconnect the one on the roof. 

Contact sports are just what the doctor ordered so get him moving but gently… with a game of kiss chase for starters followed by a vigorous main course. Ditch the dish and get that blood pumping!



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