Who knew that when man first
landed on the moon it would come to this? The reality of one small step for man
and one giant leap for mankind is right on our streets when we look at the
large spherical objects that has attached itself to the roofs of our homes.
I refer of course to the
humble satellite dish that is multiplying and beaming into our homes a vast array of sports and entertainment
channels from all over the world. The satellite dish is like a cosmic
kaleidoscope of visual media and there’s something for everyone. Satellite TV
has whetted our appetites for more and more.
Couch surfing or channel hopping
is now a bona fide activity. Being finger happy with the remote may develop
into a competitive sport. Large, plasma screens have us transfixed and
satellite viewing could turn into the next religion, such is its following. Devotees of the satellite are
mostly male. Pictures of their favourite teams winning or losing, tales of woe
(aka world news) from every corner and laugh out loud comedies all add to their
joie de vivre. Life’s one big goggle box thanks to this dish.
For maximum enjoyment you need a
comfortable sofa, a range of alcoholic beverages and a woman who’s a little
soft in the head and great at DIY. While you’re watching your favourite program
she’s been doing the laundry, cleaning the house, washing the car, buying the
groceries, taking the kids to football, unblocking the drain AND she’s even
managed to fit in a sumptuous breakfast, lunch and dinner.
It’s true the man on your sofa
will not notice you unless he gets fed and he mostly notices when you’re not
there to do it. During his long sojourns in satellite world he’ll be fixated.
Eyes will rarely leave the screen and if his team is losing he’ll be foaming at
the mouth with a heap of profanities to boot.
He’ll knock back the lagers shouting at the referee whilst the little
woman and kids look on in sympathy.
It’s a sight to behold and no female
need feel intimidated by it. In fact, she should congratulate herself on her
superior position of being in the real world and coping admirably. The fact of
the matter is that a woman (and children) need attention.
If the man on your
sofa has neglected skills then you need to devise a way of making him sit up.
Aggressive displays of displeasure are undignified. You’ll have to get his
attention the old-fashioned way.
|Turn yourself into a dish|
Cook up a storm. All those
delicious smells wafting through to the lounge, man-on-the-sofa won’t be able
to resist. Naturally he’ll want to partake of your delicious offerings in front of the one eyed monster Turn on
your best domestic goddess charm, put yourself on the menu and make his mouth water. He’ll be utterly
smitten with your ample portions and things to tickle his fancy. Don’t
scrimp on the healthy stuff but he needs coaxing into a healthful and active
lifestyle. The man-on-the-sofa has a fragile ego and you’ll have to make him
believe that it was his idea in the first place.
The way to his heart is filled with hardened
arteries due to the inactivity caused by sofa surfing. You’ll either need to
remove the satellite or the sofa. You may lose a little of his love but he’s
gotta love his heart more. The blocks in his heart have to be cleared so leave
the dishes in the sink and disconnect the one on the roof.
Contact sports are
just what the doctor ordered so get him moving but gently… with a game of kiss
chase for starters followed by a vigorous main course. Ditch the dish and get
that blood pumping!