Wednesday, 2 May 2012

I know why the caged bird sings...even when the mockingbird laughs!

This is an enigmatic title that seems to fit the early part of my  life. As I write my memoirs I come to realise why things have turned out as they have. I know why certain experiences weren’t within my reach. My younger self has felt robbed, angry and cheated though my older self knows that this is just my ego sounding off.

I liked school. I was an above average student. I knew there were certain subjects I excelled in and had a flair for. I had friends and was reasonably popular. I always did my assignments and handed them in on time. I loved to learn….so why has my learning not taken me far?

Mis-treated, Mis-understood and Mis-led
Sad to say, the nest I lived in was a discordant one. My parents were not the parents I wanted though I’m sure that, God in his wisdom, decided that they were the ones I needed.  My life has been a journey of learning and some of it I’ve not been able to stomach.

Painful, bitter, traumatic, abusive, neglectful is how I’d describe my childhood. I don’t wish to dwell on the specifics but it was a rollercoaster ride from day one. Due to the messing with my head in my formative years, I attracted more of the same. Abuse of self is all I felt comfortable with so how could I avoid it?

My academic learning journey was cut short as I descended into depression during my teen years. I always wanted to be someone else…someone who was loved…unconditionally.  People talk about unconditional love but it’s rarely found on this earth. I have never encountered much of it though I have tried to show selflessness in my loving but I'm not quite on target.

Don't mess with me, mockingbird
My ego is not so big. I say that in humility. I don’t think it ever had enough nourishment to flourish in the correct way since it was choked by weeds, trampled on with negative thinking and there just wasn’t enough sunshine within for anything healthy to grow. I’m stunted in some ways, mediocre in certain of my skills and advanced in, hopefully, vital aspects.

I’ve always been inward looking. My inner life has kept me focused when all about me were losing their heads.  There were no strong models to learn from so I had to escape into the world of literature.

Books created a world of fantasy and whilst this had its benefits I feel I ran away from my life. I did not study in my adulthood as I wanted and instead  fell into a relationship with an abusive character, who positively thrived on playing the bad guy in my life.

What happens when the rains come?
Into this melee of dysfunction I brought in three children who gave my life meaning and purpose. Self help gurus believe that when you have relationship difficulties  it is merely the other party reflecting the dark side of your own character. If that’s true, and I contest that theory, then there is very little light inside me!

I don’t accept that. Deep down I’m a positive and enthusiastic person but I believe the other party was trying to crush my spirit. It’s almost as if people can’t stand to see you happy…and this is someone I was intimate with.  Someone was trying to steal my sunshine.

I believe in patterns; a pattern of tyranny was a constant theme in my life. My father practised one sort on me and my ex another. My teenage son’s ego also does battle with me at times.
Global warming in my heart
I refuse to be a victim. I refuse to work on myself so that I become submissive and compliant. I refuse to be denied my freedom of speech and thought. I refuse to live with dictatorship. I refuse to be passive in the face of psychic attack. I refuse to compromise my values. I refuse to engage in every battle to prove a point.

There was a time I did and I was depressed and miserable. I want to stand in the light and let others do so. 

Some theorists believe that we have come into this world after making a unique pact – good cop / bad cop. Whilst it may certainly explain why opposites attract it does not make for a harmonious life. Even if there was such an agreement – in a another universe, a different time – I think the purpose of it is to develop courage. Once we are courageous, after a good many attempts and failures, we will succeed in rebuffing negative forces.

It’s not right to learn to live with it – disrespect, demoralisation, depression – are not to be accepted. Though some or all of these conditions may affect us at one time or another, I believe we have to work through them….including perhaps more than one husband!!
I like being me

Protect your heart and spirit. It may have to endure a few battles and wars but keep it free from mental pollution. Don’t allow another’s misguided thoughts to attach itself to your precious cargo. No cage is large enough to hold your spirit.

Care but not too much. Love but make love an opera not a high school musical. Seek but look in the right places, though a few wrong turns may lead you in the right direction – eventually. Work but only at something you believe. Nurture but know when less is more. Start a fire but keep it under control. Emulate your heros but don’t follow blindly. Read but don’t take it as gospel. Evolve and keep on going. Be yourself and there'll be more to enjoy - alone and with others - pay yourself a compliment...yes-you!

A compliment a day keeps negativity at bay
The most important thing I’ve learned is that happiness is up to me whether I live in a cave or castle. Who I choose to live with is also a source of satisfaction. 

No person can take away my freedom of choice unless I allow it. At this stage in life, I don’t want any dark characters coming into my life for self-reflection. 

I’m happy for the first time in long time ….and no man’s going to ever take that away from me.



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