Thursday, 16 January 2014

Little Big Me


In the world of ego, we all walk a little taller, speak and even shout, assert and possibly respect ourselves too. In the real world, we have to mind ourselves and the “rules” that we deign to live by. Inside our cerebral worlds, we  cope, manage,  and even carve out a little time for day dreaming. That’s when our thoughts go wandering; sauntering along the byways and highways of our mental asphalt and bitumen.  

We all travel mentally in unique ways. Some take the scenic route and  some while away the hours in memory lane or in a fantasy land far from life’s dramas. Some insist on taking a long stop gap indulging themselves in looking backwards  (rose spectacled fashion). Some take the low road to depression and despair so great that they have to remain on the hard shoulder and cry on it. Some of us selflessly look out for our fellow travellers and gently nudge them if they’re going the wrong way. Some travellers are just plain old mean bandits and feel the need to deprive you of your life and liberty.

The id, ego and super ego has been well documented by eminent psychologists and certainly Freud is its greatest exponent. I don’t wish to dwell on Mr Freud’s illustrious findings but my own as I have encountered them in my struggle to become a bigger and better version of myself.

A sensitive ego is easily crushed and rarely flourishes in a difficult, emotional environment but it doesn’t get to choose the where, when or how of its origins. This ego flounders through the inability to attract a higher love so it is not often nurtured and becomes hyper sensitive to life. The sensitive ego responds in two ways to early neglect – it curls up and dies (maturing into a watered down version of self) or it goes on a rampage. This is when it goes on a tour of destruction and leaves its victims in the ditches and way-bys.  It learns to inflict pain and revel in the pleasure of torture.

This ego is damaged and any hope of salvaging is remote…..not impossible…..but surely a super-human (and noble) undertaking. This ego has negative mind speak rattling around in its head and the low self esteem it acquires makes it want to entrap another weaker ego. Green eyed jealousy  That greed-eyed monster, jealousy, develops in an egoist’s lair and his empty mind can be happy when he sees another’s pain.

This darkness of mind is attracted to the bright and cheerful spirit; those who lighten another burden and cast their light upon an ignorant path. Sometimes a dark ego can lighten up once it finds its missing jigsaw piece but, inevitably, it can also feel naked and ugly in the light.

An exposed ego is trouble. It can be a false friend and a malevolent force. When this ego gets into a relationship that’s when it’s wrath is unleashed. It’s fury and rancour on legs so batten down the hatches if you see it coming. Trying to negotiate with this level of dysfunction, even by plainly ignoring it will not do any good. Make no mistake, your life is in danger so get the hell out!

Marianne Williamson said: “It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.”

To paraphrase I would suggest that when the light of optimism and naievete is shone into a dark heart, a car crash ensues. It’s true that “shrinking” your own ego to accommodate an oversized one is not a healthy option but how do you deal with the force and brutality?

Winding up dead or in hospital is a logical conclusion. Is it worthwhile to pursue redemption for the unholy? Might the loss of your life or maimed body serve as a learning experience for others?

I fear that the answer is probably affirmative. Good and bad things happen to any ego but the weakest ones will believe that one nasty turn deserves another.

We all want to grow and follow the right paths but the ego cannot distinguish. The ego is selfish and judgmental; it wants what it wants and believes whatever it wants to. Perhaps one a solution for a smooth ride is to find an ego to rival yours. If yours is big, contain it and if yours is small, keep it that way.
I was a flower.....before your ego trampled on me!
 

I want to be big in my own eyes – in my own way and style- and let others egos see it as they please!

I’m comfortable being myself -  little, old me for now – and I’m expecting the best of myself for what is to be.

 

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